dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
