I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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