fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
