someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
