bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
