I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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