Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
