My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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