just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
