Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
