wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
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She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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