so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
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You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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