where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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