So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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