I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
