I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
