Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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