I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
