Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
