Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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