Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
