You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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