Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
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sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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