One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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