Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
