I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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