pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
