he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
