guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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