I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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