one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
