I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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