Your mouth is God's brothel.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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