why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
