I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
