My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
