the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
