honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
