i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
