I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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