OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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