So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
