In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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