so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i love accidental penises.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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