i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
