i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
