ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
