Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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