He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I smell like Dick and happiness
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
