When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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