If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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