the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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