She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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