sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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