and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
