I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
