I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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